This is a true story that happened yesterday with some people I know, names changed. It’d probably be funnier if I wrote it well, but I don’t have time. So here it be:
Mary: “Hi James, what’s up?”
James: “MOM! I did something amazing, mom!”
(James is a 28-year-old autistic man that lives with his parents, Mary and Bob.)
Mary: “What amazing thing did you do today, son?”
James: “I captured a troll! I put him in the closet, and I’m feeding it skittles under the door to keep it alive!”
Mary: “Oh shit. James, honey, I’ll have to call you back.”
Mary dials her husband, Bob.
“Bob, you better drop what you’re doing and get home. I have a bad feeling James did something terrible.”
Bob gets home, James greets him at the door. He is clearly excited about his new pet troll, he nearly does the buggaloo on his way back to showing his dad what’s in the closet.
Muffled yelling through the closet door. Bob moves the chair away from the doorknob, out bursts the “troll.”
“I’m gonna sue your fuckin’ asses off, you bastards! My lawyers gonna have a field day with you assholes! This is a hate crime, you know!!” On and on.
The troll. Turned out to be a midget. A “little person,” as they like to call themselves (even though that sounds more degrading than “midget,” doesn’t it?). The little guy was going door-to-door to follow up on people who didn’t turn in their census forms. This huge-ass autistic dude (who usually smells of shit and strawberry Pop-Tarts) scooped him up and threw him in the closet. Kept him there for 2 hours before the little man was freed. Fucking righteous!