Death Dream.

I had a dream last night that I was diagnosed with what I thought was cancer. In the dream, they were calling it something that sounded like “Wagoner’s Disease.” At first, I cried because they said it will probably kill me. And after a few minutes I was acting really happy, but I’m not sure if I was just faking or not.

Anyhow. I went today to pick up my new glasses from the optometrist’s office. I haven’t worn glasses in a few years because I can’t afford them. But with my new Medicaid status and all, I got re-examined for free and get glasses for free too. I put these things on and immediately noticed my eyes were freaking out. It felt like the prescription in the glasses was too strong, because my vision was blurrier than when I had taken them off. So yes. The doctor had me come in, did a second exam. This fucking quack is trying to tell me my “vision has severely deteriorated” over the few weeks since I saw him last. He’s asking me if I have diabetes, then he’s saying rheumatoid arthritis can destroy your eyes, and then he’s telling me about a condition where fluid builds up in there and pushes my retina away from my cornea?? All the while, he’s getting very agitated at me for questioning his diagnosis. He’s been an optometrist since 1981, so obviously he doesn’t make mistakes anymore. He referred me to two retinal specialists.

So I am freaking out a little. I get home and get on the damn internet. Google search for this “wagoner’s disease” from the dream last night. Came up with Wegener’s granulomatosis and/or Wagner’s disease. Wagner’s disease is a “familial eye disease of the connective tissue in the eye that can cause reduced visual acuity.” And Wegener’s can destroy your whole human body, but apparently it very often gets misdaignosed as Rheumatoid Arthritis… which I’ve been diagnosed with- and more recently un-diagnosed with.

Yeah so I’m wigging out. Big time. I mean, I think this eye doctor I went to probably just messed up the prescription for my glasses… because I think I’d notice at least a little bit if my vision went spiralling downward over the course of three weeks, no? Not to mention that when I put these things on, they felt like I put on the glasses of someone who has much worse vision that I do!! But this was a bad day to wake up from a “dying of a weird disease” dream, and then get told by a crazy optometrist that I probably have a weird disease.

I am too anxious in general to be given this kind of extra anxiety. I hope someone comes over to my house and smokes a joint with me. This does not feel healthy. I think, for now, I’m going to try and sleep it off. Maybe I’ll dream of a better solution?



About R. Spacely

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