Even though I have to be up in 4 hours to go to Great Adventure, I have to tell you. Epic night. EPIC. I can’t believe that’s become such a trendy thing to say. “That video of the little kid hitting his dad in the nuts with a tennis racket was EPIC, bro.” Fuck you. So now when something actually is epic, no one believes. “Epic” is the wolf in that story about the boy who cried wolf.
(Pardon me, I drank Jack and Coke all night.)
So my little cousin, the weird one with the pissing everywhere and the spanking illustrations and that goddamn “bowl of sperm” fetish. He is also a fairly great singer. Well, at least everyone else shits their pants about it because he’s 13. He sang two songs tonight at this thing that was called Stevie GB’s Great Big Variety Show, at some bar/restaurant on Long Island. In Huntington: the town I grew up in. (Yes, I did see 4 shitty people I went to high school with, and avoided eye contact.)
I got drunk and saw a bunch of family members and family friends that I hadn’t seen in 10 years. Rad. Also, I’d never do it, but I have a step-cousin that I have kinda wanted to sleep with since I was a little kid. No, I didn’t do it. But she was there, and she still looks smoking hot… and she’s like 33 now or something? But yeah. Damn shame.
ANYWAY. There were a bunch of comedians and stuff. But THEN there was a mini sideshow troupe that performed called Middle To Nowhere. And really, that’s what I want to talk about.
They’re probably in their early twenties, I’d guess, and they were so cool! They did all the usual: hammering a nail into the one dude’s face, swallowing a sword, walking on broken glass (fuck you, annie lennox, you suck), smashing the one dude’s face into broken glass, fire eating, et cetera (and actually, one of the guys did a solo set earlier in the night of some “mentalist” type things; mind-reading and such. Yes yes, I’ve seen the Jim Rose circus in a huge arena (opening for Nine Inch Nails in the late 90s). But who gets to see this kind of stuff in a tiny room full of 100 mortified normies on a Friday night? Well, yeah, I do. But besides that? There were three of them tonight; but their website says there is a contortionist that comes out too sometimes! This was a fairly unusual act to follow a bunch of mediocre stand-up acts. Well that’s not fair; everyone was pretty good. But the freaks came out last. And it was amazing to watch. I was mezmerized by what they did, but the other great thing was that most of the people in the room were utterly disgusted. I felt like I was the only one cheering, but that’s probably because I’m a narcissist.
After, I went up and said “hello, you guys were fucking awesome, sorry the audience sucked.” And I got a business card from them. I want to be best friends with these folks. I love them. After this, I’m going to email them and say, “I plugged you on my blog and now you have to be my new best fwiends. Okay?” And the one dude with the nail in his face will say, “fuck yeah! Let’s go hang out together in the cookbook section of Barnes & Noble together!” And I will blush in response, and get a little bit of a boner.
Oh! That was the other thing that made me angry! One guy swallowed one of those long balloons, the one they make into poodles at kids’ parties? And some fucking Long Island guido in the dwindling audience was like, “ohh- he’s gay.” A little fucking ignorant, no? Reason #6,485,435 I love Long Island. It’s fucking ART, man!! I don’t relate to people who are actually that dumb in real life… usually I assume they don’t really exist. But they do, in droves, on Long Island.
ANYWAY!! Middle to Nowhere. Rad. They said they do shows from here to Seattle, so yeah. But right now, there aren’t many dates up their website. But go check them out. Email them and say, “I heard you’re so fucking awesome, I can’t wait til you come to my town!”
Oh yeah. These photos were just taken off of their website. If anyone wants me to take them down, I definitely will. And then I will apologize profusely. Even though this probably all constitutes fair use. But whatever.