Tomorrow morning, I start my new job. Because… It’s time. It is time to go.
New York is a murderous place for people like me. It is too fast and too loud and too aggressive and too impersonal. I don’t like what I’ve turned into since I came back. And I’ve been daydreaming about Portland for the last… almost 3 years now. In fact, I knew as soon as I left there that I shouldn’t have left. But that was another time and I was being naive again.
So, what else can I do but run back there as soon as possible? I miss that city, I love that city; it is the only place that’s ever felt like “home” to me, a person who is always feeling completely foreign to every place I go. Portland had the art and the music and the greenery and the history. I miss drinking at Someday Lounge and Ringler’s Annex; I miss being too drunk for pinball at Ground Kontrol. I miss seeing shows at Holocene and Doug Fir and then walking to my house that was only 15 blocks from either place. I miss doing my laundry in a building that looks like an Easter egg. I miss bringing friends upstairs in the PRA studio to drink while I did my show; I miss stumbling out at midnight and going right into Kelly’s Olympian for more drinks. I miss smoking joints and drinking bubble tea in the SW park blocks. I miss the feeling of falling in love with every girl to ever dance at Union Jacks. I miss Roxy Diner at 4am when almost everything else downtown is closed. I miss meeting the half-assed revolutionaries at Laughing Horse Books. I miss having to settle for Jackpot Records when Ozone 3 closed. I REALLY miss being able to look out my closet window at Everyday Music and trying to convince myself that I’d only spend 40 bucks on CDs this week. I miss the $4 burritos at Olé Olé, and I miss flirting with that once chick that worked there even though we spoke different languages. I miss feeling like a New Yorker from afar, walking faster than most other people. I miss PDXPOPNOW! I miss MusicFest NW. I miss the parties and the people. I never thought I’d say it, but I even miss Rasta Man. I miss going to karaoke with Aje, even though I was usually blacked out and ended up losing the second half of the evening.
So, yes. Motherfucking yes! I am going home. I am going back to Portland. To write new music. And to fall in love with myself, because I suck at loving others when I don’t love myself. I am going to the zoo to talk with the peacocks. I am going to start a compost heap. I am going to pray that I never hear the word “nigger” ever again (in case I haven’t said it enough, people on Long Island are RACIST). I am going to get drunk and see bands play. I am going to buy canvas and I’m going to paint on it. I’m going to work in live music again. I am going to have a new radio show. I am going to smoke cannabis in the park. I am going to find the good people and I am going to kiss them all on their cheeks and thank them for existing.
I start my new job tomorrow. I will work hard. I will raise money. I will save money. I will fly the coop. I will go back to the city of roses, to where I feel safe and healthy and creative and alive. I will be okay. I will be more than okay. I will find myself again, be myself again, know myself again, and love myself again. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a painful process. I have to work hard at a job I will not love, but only as a means to an end. And in the end, I will be getting what I want. Ha. I’m 28 years old, and I’m still not very good at doing things I dislike, even when it’s for a very good reason, even when I know how big the pay-off will eventually be. So. This is me trying to reinforce positive ideas in my head. This is me trying to teach myself to grow up. Because I am not getting any younger or happier with all of this running in place. I’m scared of the future. And I’m relieved that I’ve made some decisions. I don’t neccessarily trust myself yet, but I’d better learn to. Ha.
Ahh! And quickly, before I wrap this up. The goal is to leave for Portland, from New York, by October 15th of 2010 with no less than $2,500 cash savings. There will be more goals added, but this one is the most important for now. Yes. Because this is the new me. And when I say I’m going to do something, I do it.
So, yes, I will probably be writing about this situation as things progress.