Let’s make a vow… right here, together… right now.

Tomorrow morning, I start my new job. Because… It’s time. It is time to go.

New York is a murderous place for people like me. It is too fast and too loud and too aggressive and too impersonal. I don’t like what I’ve turned into since I came back. And I’ve been daydreaming about Portland for the last… almost 3 years now. In fact, I knew as soon as I left there that I shouldn’t have left. But that was another time and I was being naive again.

So, what else can I do but run back there as soon as possible? I miss that city, I love that city; it is the only place that’s ever felt like “home” to me, a person who is always feeling completely foreign to every place I go. Portland had the art and the music and the greenery and the history. I miss drinking at Someday Lounge and Ringler’s Annex; I miss being too drunk for pinball at Ground Kontrol. I miss seeing shows at Holocene and Doug Fir and then walking to my house that was only 15 blocks from either place. I miss doing my laundry in a building that looks like an Easter egg. I miss bringing friends upstairs in the PRA studio to drink while I did my show; I miss stumbling out at midnight and going right into Kelly’s Olympian for more drinks. I miss smoking joints and drinking bubble tea in the SW park blocks. I miss the feeling of falling in love with every girl to ever dance at Union Jacks. I miss Roxy Diner at 4am when almost everything else downtown is closed. I miss meeting the half-assed revolutionaries at Laughing Horse Books. I miss having to settle for Jackpot Records when Ozone 3 closed. I REALLY miss being able to look out my closet window at Everyday Music and trying to convince myself that I’d only spend 40 bucks on CDs this week. I miss the $4 burritos at Olé Olé, and I miss flirting with that once chick that worked there even though we spoke different languages. I miss feeling like a New Yorker from afar, walking faster than most other people. I miss PDXPOPNOW! I miss MusicFest NW. I miss the parties and the people. I never thought I’d say it, but I even miss Rasta Man. I miss going to karaoke with Aje, even though I was usually blacked out and ended up losing the second half of the evening.

So, yes. Motherfucking yes! I am going home. I am going back to Portland. To write new music. And to fall in love with myself, because I suck at loving others when I don’t love myself. I am going to the zoo to talk with the peacocks. I am going to start a compost heap. I am going to pray that I never hear the word “nigger” ever again (in case I haven’t said it enough, people on Long Island are RACIST). I am going to get drunk and see bands play. I am going to buy canvas and I’m going to paint on it. I’m going to work in live music again. I am going to have a new radio show. I am going to smoke cannabis in the park. I am going to find the good people and I am going to kiss them all on their cheeks and thank them for existing.

I start my new job tomorrow. I will work hard. I will raise money. I will save money. I will fly the coop. I will go back to the city of roses, to where I feel safe and healthy and creative and alive. I will be okay. I will be more than okay. I will find myself again, be myself again, know myself again, and love myself again. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a painful process. I have to work hard at a job I will not love, but only as a means to an end. And in the end, I will be getting what I want. Ha. I’m 28 years old, and I’m still not very good at doing things I dislike, even when it’s for a very good reason, even when I know how big the pay-off will eventually be. So. This is me trying to reinforce positive ideas in my head. This is me trying to teach myself to grow up. Because I am not getting any younger or happier with all of this running in place. I’m scared of the future. And I’m relieved that I’ve made some decisions. I don’t neccessarily trust myself yet, but I’d better learn to. Ha.

Ahh! And quickly, before I wrap this up. The goal is to leave for Portland, from New York, by October 15th of 2010 with no less than $2,500 cash savings. There will be more goals added, but this one is the most important for now. Yes. Because this is the new me. And when I say I’m going to do something, I do it.

So, yes, I will probably be writing about this situation as things progress.


About R. Spacely

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13 Responses to Let’s make a vow… right here, together… right now.

  1. courtneykane says:

    “I am going to the zoo to talk with the peacocks.” Awww, that is beyond cute. (I know cute is probably not what you were going for, but the truth is the truth.)

    • Rob says:

      I love them. I seek peace and clarity from them. And they seek Peanut M&Ms from me. Symbiosis, et cetera.

  2. jaminicole says:

    If you do it, let’s get a beer. I don’t know if you know, but Portland has good beer. And I’m from there. So…yeah.

    You just made me miss Portland a lot. But I got some news regarding my job today that makes me think I’ll have to find a new one come September. So, it looks like I might be moving back.

    • Rob says:

      I’m confused. You’re from Portland but you live in Olympia now? Or Vancouver, WA?

      And yeah. I am aware of Portland’s absurd number of famous breweries. And yes, we can drink some together. I’ll look forward to it.

      • jaminicole says:

        Well, I’ve never officially lived in Oregon. But all my friends (especially the fun ones) live in Portland, so I’ve been trekking across the river since I was 16 in search of alcohol, laughter, and friendship and things.

        But now the trek is a lot longer since, yes, I do live in Olympia. Being that the US Senate race my employer is involved in is likely to change dramatically tomorrow, I might be moving back to Vancouver, though. I dunno. Must. Number. Crunch.

        • Rob says:

          But. Why not just go the extra few miles and move to Portland? It’s cheap enough. And hella convenient, no?

  3. cooper says:

    I wish you much luck. I went to school there for 4 years, thinking I’d stay, but even after being accepted at 2 grad schools there I think I knew I was leaving. It turned out to be a nice place to visit. I miss it always, but I’m glad I’m gone.

    Wish you well on finding your way out.

  4. greentigress says:

    Yes. Go to Portland. I fucking love Portland. And all the Portland blogs I follow (2) are amazing.

  5. Kris says:

    Well, the one is TB. I know you read her. The other is The Anarchist Project. http://theanarchistproject.wordpress.com/ Love it, but he doesn’t post anywhere near often enough. It’s changed a bit, but everything is good, so visit the archives if you get a chance.

  6. Pingback: Well, you certainly are nice people… | The Stir-Fried Dinosaur

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