And Nothing Else Matters.

My first kiss was a fucking sham. It was the first girl I ever dated. Because I was ugly as sin when I was a teenager. Not that I’m all full of myself now, I’m surely still fairly unattractive (thank god for acerbic wit and 18 years of playing guitar). But my first girlfriend, no idea why she liked me. And she did. And she didn’t. I later found out she was the Scummiest Joe of them all, but in the beginning all was well. No. Not well. But. Close enough.

I was 16. She was 17. We “dated” for I think two months before we finally kissed. So fucking weird. But yeah, and by dating, I mean hanging out with friends and getting drunk and listening to Metallica and getting stoned and talking on the phone for a couple hours every day.

We were finally sitting on Frank Maly’s front porch at a party one night. Until then, we kept beating around the bush. “I’d really like to kiss you but I’m nervous,” I’d say. She’d reply, “me too,” or whatever. The funny part is that I had lied through my teeth. I told her that I had been with other girls before. Nope, lie. God, it’s so long ago, I barely remember the details. But it was all weird and uncomfortable and lies and whatever. So this night on Frank Maly’s porch shook me up.

She was sitting on my knees. Her name was Kelly. I thought she was beautiful, I still think she was beautiful. She kinda had a frog face, but an adorable frog face. She had massive blue eyes that looked like those TV ads for the contact lenses that enhance your eye color… except hers were actually that blue. Amazing. And she was a bad-ass. She could hold her liquor, I remember. And that’s about all that’s left, besides the experiences we had. But yeah, I don’t remember very much else about her personality. Well, no, another lie, she was schizophrenic. Which I also didn’t find out until later when we ran away to Florida and she didn’t bring her meds. Haha.

Sitting on my knees, she was staring at me. And she just went for it. Worst kiss of my life, probably. She just stuck her tongue down my throat with no warning. I didn’t know what to do, because I was an inexperienced lying teen, so I stuck my tongue out and wiggled it around. We then did this weird “kissing” business for fucking hours and then days and then weeks.

I’m probably talking about this because the girl I’ve been seeing reminds me of high school. I’ve been very puppy-love and constantly-thinking-of and all that with her. But her eyes too, greatest ever. These are brown. Huge. Perfect. I could go to sleep in there.

But yes. My first kiss terrified me. When Kelly and I eventually made the sechs, it was equally pathetic on my part. Because I was losing my virginity while pretending to not be a virgin. And so when I came in approximately one minute, I blamed it on her. Not blame exactly. But I suggested that she was just “way too wet” and so I couldn’t… I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, OKAY? Haha. It’s embarrassing to think/talk about. I fed her a bunch of bullshit, so I could try to protect my ego and whatever.

Needless to say, the relationship didn’t last. But there was a lot of hilarity in there. I probably can’t even talk about it. Not without sounding psychotic. I mean, we were both mentally disturbed at the time. And so there were weird sexual experiments and suicide attempts and the drunken destruction of hotel rooms and attempted robberies and whatever. I just remembered a time her “mouthing off” got the shit kicked out of me by three dudes behind some pizza place in Miami we were trying to rob for rent money. I lost my glasses and broke my face and got a headache for four days. Whatever. We’re just talking here. No point. Just saying.

It’s weird how much and how little I’ve changed since age 16. I’m not as bad of a liar anymore. In fact, I’m pretty fucking honest. Also. I never used to feel guilty for what I did, but now I do. I sometimes wish I could redo my first sex thing. I’d tell the truth: I have no clue and I won’t last more than 45 seconds.

Anyway. I’m listening to Pavement. The end of S&E, starting Crooked Rain Crooked Rain in a minute! Haha. I really can’t wait for September to come. And I think this entire summer will be scored by old Pavement albums.


About R. Spacely

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4 Responses to And Nothing Else Matters.

  1. missyummyface says:

    Wow, sounds like a bit of a crazy first relationship! Did it not put you off for a very long time?!

    • Rob says:

      It was actually much worse than I made it out to be! But I don’t mind. I tend to enjoy the weirdness and depravity.

  2. peppers says:

    HAHAHA! I forgot how much I love reading your blog. It’s been a while since I’ve stopped by. So HI! Anyways, that’s some funny stuff. Guys get so bent out of shape when they can’t last. My 25 yr old boyfriend who I’ve been with for a year and a half still can’t last for more than a minute. I still can count on one hand the amount of guys I’ve been with but it’s all been the same. So don’t worry! No need to make excuses. It’s just natural. This made me think of my first kiss… maybe I should blog about it. :P

    • Rob says:

      Yes. Yes, you should blog about it. Yeah, the “longevity” thing isn’t really an issue anymore. In fact, I’m lucky if I can finish at all. It’s kind of annoying, and I blame the pregnancy scare that happened a couple of years ago. Haha, I’m totally weird about sex now. Whatever though. Working through it.

      I’m glad you came back! You’re always welcome. And I haven’t gotten the time to say anything, but I like your new blog. Well, the new look or whatever. It’s very… six-year-old-on-acid, or something.

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