She’s like heroin to me.

God damn it, I need to buy a motor vehicle! See, I hate cars. I hate the way they smell, I hate how much they cost, I hate the amount of deaths that take place due to them. But public transportation on Long Island regularly makes me want to kill myself.

I slept at a friend’s house last night. I took a combination of buses to get home this morning/afternoon. I don’t want a long post about this bus thing again, but I will say this much…

There was a lady on the bus that looked like The Oracle from that bad Keanu Reeves movie about Mister Smith and Mister Anderson and Larry Fishburn. She was just sitting there, diagonally across from me, I could see her for the whole ride just sitting there. And I wasn’t staring or anything, I was just sitting. I observe my surroundings without being too nosy or curious. But yeah, okay, so she stands up randomly. Comes over to me and kneels on the seat next to mine. This was our dialogue:

Oracle: Have you heard the good word?
Me: No comprende.
Oracle: Do you have a relationship with Jesus? Did you know he died for your sins?
Me: I’m not really interested but thank you.
Oracle: Perhaps you’ll take these and hold on to them. Or give them to someone who needs them?
[She hands me a wrinkled-up pamphlet entitled, “Heaven or Hell,” and another called “God Loves You.”]
Me: Okay. Thanks. Bye.

She goes and sits back in her seat and doesn’t say another word to anyone until she gets off the bus in a few stops. Okay. So I’ve already been clear with all you lovely people out there in readerville that I think religion is silly. Myth. Tall tales. Straight bullshit. And the prosthelytizing stuff is just… fucking annoying. But what was up with this lady?! She didn’t get up and talk to the other 12 people (yes, I counted) about Jesus. What made her pick me? Did I look like a sinner from across the bus? How did she know? Did I smell like sin? Why me?!

While I did detect a very slight odor of woman on my lips and marijuana on my sweater, I was dressed and groomed nicely enough to pass for a respectable young man. So. Basically, I’m fucking scared. I am WAY too nervous and superstitious to have this encounter and then pay it no mind.

Especially after a glorious night of pre-marital sexy time and excessive profanity. I mean, I felt like this lady read my mind. Because I was sitting there feeling weird already. I have hang-ups with sex, and I really wasn’t planning on having sex. I quit for a long while. And yeah. Just… issues. But this lady, what did she see in me?

As soon as I got off the bus, I have to walk another mile to get home. But today, there was a helicopter cruising down the road. LITERALLY no more than 40 feet in the air above this main road here, just cruising. It wasn’t a police helicopter, I don’t think. And it definitely wasn’t a News Crew or anything. I don’t know. But I watched the chopper ride on down the street and I looked at the sky behind it. I saw a guy mowing his lawn. I saw a dog sitting in its front yard, it paid me no mind I walked by whistling at it. I felt like I was dead and it was all a dream.

I got home and ate a big lunch and took my vitamins. I’m considering joining the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints. Or at the least, I want to get my pilot’s license. Or a new car-driving license. I have fines to pay. I don’t wanna. But this bus shit is starting to really make me feel crazier than I need to right now.

Sometimes, when I’m waiting for a bus somewhere, people yell shit or throw shit at me. It messes up my whole day. Because I’m a fucking sponge. I get depressed about these things.

Also, I think I might have found the next girl I will eventually fall in love with (like, for real, not like the “I fall in love constantly with everyone” kind of thing. I haven’t been into anyone this much since “the one that got away” many years ago). Kinda. Maybe. It’s weird and fast and unexpected and totally not welcomed. More on that later, I’m sure. I need to get in the shower and try and scrub off some of the sin I’ve been wearing all day. So. I have to end this post now, it’s not going anywhere anyway. And, yeah, I need to go figure out what Jesus wants with me.


About R. Spacely

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3 Responses to She’s like heroin to me.

  1. jaminicole says:

    One time I was working at Macys in the handbag department. I was helping a very nice older lady for some time. She was the sweetest thing. And then she handed me the religious pamphlets and said, “I really feel like you can benefit from these, my dear.”

    What. The. Fuck? I just spent 30 minutes showing you shitty overpriced bags. I was very nice, didn’t curse even once, made no inappropriate jokes, and I smelled like the designer perfume I put on as I walk into the store. What makes you think I’m the one that needs Jesus??

    Anyway. I posted earlier this week about how falling in love tends to come at the most inconvenient times. Like, right now you’re making all these plans, which is awesome. But along comes Ms. Awesome, and now what? I’m simultaneously like “Awesome for you!” and “Shit, dude, that’s not helpful for your planning.” So I’m anxious to see what happens there.

    • Rob says:

      I’m anxious too! Oddly enough, my boss is also trying to fuck up my trip to Portland. He’s considering giving me a salaried managerial position that would mean ADULT MONEY and ARBITRARY POWER. These are two of my favorite guilty pleasures. So yeah. I’m curious to see how it all turns out.

  2. Amber says:

    I think these religious pamphlet giver-outers are actually taught to target one person from a room/bus of people and only talk to them. It’s a strategy and makes the target feel uncomfortable/special/ like they have to wash the slight odor of vagina off of their lips. But after this incident, I hope you have at least attempted to bend a spoon with your mind.

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