My penis and I.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. For years, I’ve fantasized about it. And now that I have the New York State government paying my medical expenses, I think it’s time.
For… a… vasectomy!

This is why. And yes, this is another post that is mostly for me, but I don’t mind if you read it. Okay. Here goes:

01: Africa! There are 16 Billion starving children in this world (just an estimate). It would be deplorable of me to let another woman give birth to another shitty American baby while there are 16 Billion starving babies in Africa. Some of which don’t even have parents anymore. Adoption, if I ever decide I want a kid, is the only decent thing to do.

02: Genetics! My family is fucked. None of us live past 60 anyway. There’s cancer, heart disease, mental illness, diabetes, addiction, et cetera. Why give a baby a sentence like that. And If I had to deal with raising a child that might turn out anything like me, I’d kill myself just like my dad. And that baby would be miserable just like me.

03: Fucking! I do like fucking. And I do hate condoms. My penis is a fatty, but not a longy. So regular condoms kinda choke it. And the “magnums” kinda leave me with a big stupid roll of plastic around the base of my cock. No fun, no fun! And instead of always hoping the ladies will take contraceptive matters into their own hands, this could be my way of being responsible. Responsibility is sexy, I’ve heard, so maybe I could even get more laid? Who knows, the possibilities are endless.

04: I once got a girl pregnant, and it was the worst experience of my life! Don’t want to do that again. Ever. Fuck babies, fuck pregnancies, fuck sperm. I would be honored to shoot blanks for the rest of my life. This would be a great service to The Earth.

I had more (less significant) ideas last night (such as “Hank Moody did it, why can’t I?!”). But these are the big four. These are great, valid reasons. So. I’m calling Planned Parenthood in a bit, and I will find out what the deal is. I’m wishing myself lots of luck, and you should too.


About R. Spacely

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12 Responses to My penis and I.

  1. Brandi says:

    That’s such a brave step! Eeep, good luck, I think.

    • Rob says:

      Not that brave. I’ve done a ton of reading up over the past couple years and there’s really not much to it. Just a slice/snip/stitch kind of thing. I’ll be okay.

  2. jaminicole says:

    I think anything Hank Moody once did is a great example to follow. Because, then, you also get to screw hundreds of hot women.

    In that case, best of luck, sir. These are good reasons. You win!

    • Rob says:

      See? I agree completely. Except I’m probably fine with screwing like… 6 hot women. But. Whatevs.


      • jaminicole says:

        This is my new moral compass, for my breakdown at the very least.

        • Rob says:

          Oh shit, good call! If anyone can guide you through a nervous breakdown, it’s Moody. Although. It might be a good idea to find yourself a Runkle-type companion?

          • jaminicole says:

            A publisher. To publish my nonsense, make me famous, so I can drink all the fucking time, and have sex with hundreds of hot men and bitch and moan about how they turned my bestselling book into a terrible movie.

            (I will also settle for six. But WWHMD? More than six.)

            So. I should probably get to the published part soon.

            • Rob says:

              This lifestyle suits you, I think. You’d have to start smoking cigarettes too though. I hope that’s okay. Otherwise, you’ll be killing my dream.

  3. Hipstercrite says:

    probably the most interesting post i’ve read all day.
    thank you.

    • Rob says:

      I feel terrible for the “blogosphere” (that’s kind of a word some people use, right?) if this is the best post you could find today. But thanks, I think.

  4. Mei says:

    Go for it! Plus, they are sometimes reversible if you change your mind one day….

  5. Pingback: Phase Two: Complete!! | The Stir-Fried Dinosaur

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