I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. For years, I’ve fantasized about it. And now that I have the New York State government paying my medical expenses, I think it’s time.
For… a… vasectomy!
This is why. And yes, this is another post that is mostly for me, but I don’t mind if you read it. Okay. Here goes:
01: Africa! There are 16 Billion starving children in this world (just an estimate). It would be deplorable of me to let another woman give birth to another shitty American baby while there are 16 Billion starving babies in Africa. Some of which don’t even have parents anymore. Adoption, if I ever decide I want a kid, is the only decent thing to do.
02: Genetics! My family is fucked. None of us live past 60 anyway. There’s cancer, heart disease, mental illness, diabetes, addiction, et cetera. Why give a baby a sentence like that. And If I had to deal with raising a child that might turn out anything like me, I’d kill myself just like my dad. And that baby would be miserable just like me.
03: Fucking! I do like fucking. And I do hate condoms. My penis is a fatty, but not a longy. So regular condoms kinda choke it. And the “magnums” kinda leave me with a big stupid roll of plastic around the base of my cock. No fun, no fun! And instead of always hoping the ladies will take contraceptive matters into their own hands, this could be my way of being responsible. Responsibility is sexy, I’ve heard, so maybe I could even get more laid? Who knows, the possibilities are endless.
04: I once got a girl pregnant, and it was the worst experience of my life! Don’t want to do that again. Ever. Fuck babies, fuck pregnancies, fuck sperm. I would be honored to shoot blanks for the rest of my life. This would be a great service to The Earth.
I had more (less significant) ideas last night (such as “Hank Moody did it, why can’t I?!”). But these are the big four. These are great, valid reasons. So. I’m calling Planned Parenthood in a bit, and I will find out what the deal is. I’m wishing myself lots of luck, and you should too.