Well, it’s Thursday. I’ve been doing this Ladies’ Week kind of thing on this blog, and that’s good. But I feel very restricted in my mind. It’s hard to have this blog where my thoughts go every day, and then just… have an entire week where I’m directing my thoughts at a focused idea. So I need a break. I need to ramble. It hurts not to. Although, when this is over (or quite later on tonight) I think I’m going to make a big tribute post to Yoko Ono because she is on my mind these last few days. I love her, but… you’ll see.
Anyway. I took a 24 hour magical vacation to that girl’s house. Every time, it’s like visiting Disneyland. I come back feeling exhausted and content and a little smelly. But good smells. Whatever, none of your business. But I get a little sad after, every time. I kinda miss her when she’s not around. Nothing horrendous but. My chest feels weird when it’s time to get out of the car and say goodbye. It’s been a while since anyone’s done that to me.
And now I get to wake up tomorrow and go to work in the morning for 6 more days until I get another day off. My mind is forming the two scenarios, in order to cope with my present situation:
This promotion at work thing happens, and then sticking around in NY for a while isn’t so bad. Because they’ll be paying me way more than I’m worth, and I feel like I’ll have the last laugh, you know? I can happily save way more money, take my time, enjoy the now for a while. That will be good, so long as those bitches pay me grown-up wages.
Otherwise, I just need to keep my head down and work like a stupid dog for a few more months until Portland time in the fall. I don’t like the amount of money I’m making, but it will be enough to save and get me gone.
So I can do either one, I guess. It’s just tiring. I guess I’m results-oriented. And I feel like I’m treading water. God, this is why I bounce back and forth between coasts so often. Well, this is why I leave NY every time I’m here. I do usually loathe almost everything about it. But. I don’t know.
Like right now, mmmmmmmm… nevermind. Well, no, I can say it. One of the few good things going on is the thing with hot artist chick (the one that will likely read this whether i like it or not, so I’m totally nervous about writing about her now). But yes, it’s good. I told her that she’s very West Coast, and that’s part of why I like her. It’s true. She’s not like everybody else around here. I didn’t tell her that she makes me feel at home, where most people just put me on edge. But I think she probably gets that just by looking at me. And when she said “I wanna go,” I didn’t tell that I would be stoked to show her around and have great times together in that city, or that I think it would be megacute to put her in my luggage and take her with me when I go. Although, I was definitely thinking it. But that’s all in the not-too-present future that doesn’t need to be talked about today.
I just look forward to EITHER going back to Portland and having more of the life I wish to live OR staying here long enough to make more money than I know what to do with, so I can save BIG and be VERY safe when I go back. I mean moving across the country with $2,500 is okay, but like… $15,000 or whatever, that would be much better. I mean, a job that pays me about 50 grand a year? Six months of that would be rad because I live so cheaply. Saving would be ridiculously easy and fast.
God. I kinda hate myself for never being focused on right now. Always looking ahead. This might be why I am always a little sad or discontented. I should work on that.
Attention is a weird thing. And perception. And effort. And attitude.