Guest Post: The Scrambled Ess Dinosaur

I don’t want you to feel like you’re being innundated with guest posts or anything, I really don’t. No fears, children. It’s not like I’m completely bored of blogging and running out of things to say. It’s just that I do truly believe in grassroots. I believe in word of mouth. I believe that good things should be shared. So this is why I’ve accepted/posted so many guest posts lately. And tonight is no different. I actually got something GREAT in my email this morning. A guest post from one of the strangest/funniest bloggers I’ve read. And so. I’m posting this shit. Right now. Her name is Essie? Or Estelle? Something like that. She writes a blog called The Loch Ess Monster, you can even find it in my blog roll right over there somewhere. – – – – – – – >

She’s funny as fuck, though. And her story is actually my favorite of all the guest posts I’ve put up here, for the simple fact that it’s extremely relevant (and charming and witty and a little crazy and blah blah blah). So. Here goes. Enjoy!!

THE SCRAMBLED ESS DINOSAUR

Rob said he would be “stoked” to receive a guest blog from me sometime in the future and I immediately forgot all about it and bought Cheetos and watched Grey’s Anatomy naked jumped at the opportunity. Only he conveniently “forgot” to give me a topic which means, according to my logic, I have free rein. (This is solid defence that I used when I nearly got fired from my college job at a Frozen Yoghurt place for sending “ letters to God” up through the ventilation system and clogging the machines. And I worked there for four years. But it could have been the letters to God that did it. I don’t know. We all know the various gods don’t REALLY exist. Except you, Christian God. *wink* No one going to Hell over here!)
I also must admit that I also forgot the title of Rob’s blog and compulsively googled “Scrambled Egg Dinosaur” for an hour. Which turned up a surprising number of hits and recipes and also this picture of a dinosaur with a chicken head.

I love the Internet.
Basically Rob’s blog is about adaptation – that we should not go the route of the dinosaur and fail to adapt to our circumstances. It also contains a lot of references to cunnilingus and music (which is probably why girls like him so much). I can really get behind that topic (Adaptation. Not cunnilingus. Although I’m all for that. My friend just bought a little oral sex headlight on amazon.com to improve his skills and I was all like “it’s not spelunking” and he’s like “no it’ll totally work” but every time he’s tried to use it the girl laughed at him. That’s not part of the thread. That’s just a sex tip.)
If dinosaurs are on one end of the scale, the other one would be cockroaches. The toughest and most unextinctable creatures on the planet. Cockroaches can survive without heads for two weeks, without a heart for a day. They go for two weeks without water and can survive by eating paper. They can hold their breath for 15 minutes. They can survive nuclear war. They can heat coffee with their minds. (OK, I made the last bit up.)
Remember that humans are the choking mammals? Something about developing speech impaired our ability to survive – we are more like to choke than any other animal. We set standards for beauty that decreases fertility and demand monogamy. We also commit suicide, eat hormone-injected meat and drive in cars wearing boots we can’t walk in (that last one is just me).
We know what we need to do to prevent extinction: stop smoking, stop drinking, stop sleeping around, try to share Palestine for once, JOG…etc. but we chose to NOT do it.
My point is: human beings aren’t survivalists. We don’t have the focus, we don’t have the primal instincts, we don’t have the drive to prolong our lives. Probably because life sucks for many of the reasons mentioned above. We would be happier if we could only focus on one thing, like the Mighty Cockroach. ( And could breathe without our heads. I assume.)
If you want to get all deep on me, I’d say it’s possibly because we are here for reasons other than just survival. I remember driving home from some amazing theatre piece, music blaring, pulling over to some disgusting pizza place and having bar-raising conversations amidst the smoke and red wine and buttery garlic bread. It was one of those dark evenings where I just felt completely alive.
Like a lot of you, I’ve battled clinical depression and wanted something or someone to give me a reason to get up in the mornings. I haven’t really found anything profound. I don’t have a career, I don’t have a family and I don’t really have much talent. But every day I try to look for one thing that makes me crack up and that seems to work well. (So does Prozac. But this is cheaper.)
We are not meant to be dinosaurs or cockroaches. We are somewhat in the middle. A constantly evolving group of sentients that aren’t focused on surviving or on just being stagnant. Humanity is about figuring it out, which in my books is pretty awesome.

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About R. Spacely

Bastard.
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