I want to tell a secret. The secret is this: Despite all of my horrendous, belligerent bullshit… I am pretty friggin’ adorable. Earlier in the day, since I am so happy to be out of work early, I spent an hour teaching my 10-year-old girl-cousin how to play a Miley Cyrus song on guitar. She doesn’t play at all, but she plays trumpet pretty good. So. We held our very first guitar lesson tonight. I taught her to play an E major chord, and an A major chord (threw in the E minor for free). Which are, if you didn’t already know, the first two chords for “The Climb.” I taught her how to hold the guitar upright, even though she can’t really see what she’s doing on the fretboard. I told her that this will get easier in time. I was very encouraging. She talked about how small her hands were, and so I showed her how small my hands are (my hands/fingers are very fucking dainty, it’s always been kinda embarrassing), and firmly/jokingly told her “that‘s not a good enough excuses, try harder.” And I played/sang “The Climb” in its entirety for her, to show how possible it is and how cool it will sound if she practices enough.
I’m not saying all of this to brag or to drop panties. No. I kind of just want to remember this. It was sort of the cutest thing I’ve done in a while (as far as innocent things go). It’s also funny because this girl is Satanic. I mean she is straight evil at times. But she has this big weird heart. She wants to learn the song in secret, so she can surprise her parents with it when she’s got it mastered. Because she knows her mom really likes this particular song.
This girl will sit there and make fun of me all fucking day, point out every one of my idiosyncrasies, and totally make me feel even more alien than I already am. But then… she does these weird subtle things, to give of herself. She likes to make cards and posters for people. If you’re sick, she will make you a “get well soon” card that would make even Dracula cry. It’s just amazing to me. The duality of people is always fascinating to me, even in (especially in?) children. She is nothing like me, but in some ways… she’s just like me. And probably just like everyone I’ve ever known.
I had a cigarette outside a little while ago, and I thought about the girl-child. I really look forward to getting older, so I can see who she turns into. I really think she’s going to end up being maybe my favorite human someday.
As “friggin’ adorable” as I may be, I definitely pick favorites. Even in the family. I can’t help it. I’m simply not very good at lying to myself, so I could never do that thing where I say, “Oh, I love everyone in my family equally.” Because I totally don’t. I never have. For example, my aunt Theresa used to be my favorite aunt. But she’s not anymore. Because she’s always been the person in my family that really had her shit together. And she had wisdom to share with me when I needed. But now, every time I’ve talked with her on the phone in the last three years, she’s been drunk or at least on her way to drunk. She has also lost her ability to sound wise to me, so I don‘t feel any need to seek her advice anymore.
But, realistically, my aunt Noreen was always my favorite anyway. Or at least, she should’ve been. She’s the only (literally, I’m not kidding, she’s the only one) person in my ENTIRE life that’s never turned on me. I mean, no matter what crazy bullshit I was throwing at everyone, she always made it clear that she loves me and wants me to be okay. Not to mention that she’s always been a fucking sarcastic bitchy wise-ass. But she’s secretly a softee. Just like her 10-year-old daughter. And that’s amazing to me. The secret strengths and sadnesses of people.
This is why I think the girl-child will someday grow up to be my favorite person. She reminds me a lot of her mama. And for the record, I’d probably destroy a civilization of people and animals… if it meant saving my aunt Noreen from some (do or die situation, kinda) dangerous thing or another. I don’t think I can say that about anyone else I’ve ever known.