I’m an alligator.

I got a creepy email today:

Hello Dear
My name is Grace i saw your profile today at (20sb.net) and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you the more,and i want you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.
Here is my email address (gracekoneh@live.com)I believe we can move from here!
I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.
I love you
Miss Grace.

Although there were also some darling little roses embedded in this email message, I’m just not sure this is for real. Somehow, this reeks of “Hello, I am the king of a small country outside of The United Arab Emirates. I just want to say that you won our national lottery. Just send me your bank account information, and you will receive 600 Trillion Dollars.”

Also, one time, when I was maybe 12, and VERY fucking ugly and awkward, some girl came up to me in the school library. She said, “You’re really cute. I like you. My name is M____ N_____. We should go out. Just remember, my name is M____. M____ N_____.” Turned out, this girl’s name was Angela Apgar. M____ N___ was a dork, I guess, in Angela’s world (I never really knew either of the two). So miss Angela thought it would be funny to make me think that this dork lady had a crush on me. Probably because I was fucking ugly and awkward. So. Yeah, I don’t know. [UPDATE: Yes, I don’t do this often, but I’ve censored names. To protect the innocent. But the guilty parties… well, they can fend for themselves, yeah?]</

Basically, I'm suspicious. I have a funny feeling that this "Grace" person is actually not my soulmate at all, and rather… some sort of dirty trick. But. Funny shit, nonetheless.

Feel free to send her hatemail.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In other news. Well, no, this is totally related. I just wanted an excuse to have 53 of those little crosses separate my things. Yeah. That kind of day.

Anyway. If I ever find someone who says she really loves me… I’m gonna punch her right in the face. Unless she gets almost-naked and sings me this Bowie song:

That’s a true story. Right in the face. RIGHT IN THE SPACEFACE!!

Also worth noting: That girl in the video, about a minute in? Yeah. SHE was probably my soulmate. But she’s probably also dead by now. I blame the LSD. For everything. But yes. One minute into this video, there she be. I love her. Forever and ever.

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About R. Spacely

Bastard.
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16 Responses to I’m an alligator.

  1. greentigress says:

    Funniest post yet!
    “Feel free to send her hatemail.” Did I laugh!
    ps, youtube let me watch on this one.

  2. Heather says:

    Oh, that was me. Sorry.

    Ha. Not really. But that was really funny. I actually laughed out loud. For once. I guess I’ll stop trying to convince you that I love you, I don’t want to be punched in the face. ;) Haha.

  3. krystal says:

    listen – please write her back and act interested back??? wait, is that mean? probably not – it would be funnyyyy!

    • Rob says:

      I just wrote her back:

      “Hello, lover!

      Please do send me pictures. You seem very nice from your last email. I’d like to meet you someday, maybe? Please tell me more about yourself.

      Truly yours,
      Robert”

      I think I am gonna have fun with this. Because I deserve it.

  4. krystal says:

    oh gosh, the more i think about it the funnier it even gets!

  5. janet says:

    oh my god. i got that SAME email!!! weeeeeird.

  6. Essie says:

    I got the same email! Grace is a two-timing whore!

  7. Pingback: I’ve got blood on my neck from success. | The Stir-Fried Dinosaur

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