I’ve got blood on my neck from success.

So, remember this post I wrote a week or two ago, about Grace? The one who proclaimed her love for me via gmail? Yes. And you remember that little story I told you from my childhood? Here, I’ll refresh:

Also, one time, when I was maybe 12, and VERY fucking ugly and awkward, some girl came up to me in the school library. She said, “You’re really cute. I like you. My name is M____ N_____. We should go out. Just remember, my name is M____. M____ N_____.” Turned out, this girl’s name was Angela Apgar. M____ N___ was a dork, I guess, in Angela’s world (I never really knew either of the two). So miss Angela thought it would be funny to make me think that this dork lady had a crush on me. Probably because I was fucking ugly and awkward. So. Yeah, I don’t know. [UPDATE: Yes, I don’t do this often, but I’ve censored names. To protect the innocent. But the guilty parties… well, they can fend for themselves, yeah?]

So anyway. I got a pretty epic message on facebook from M____N_____ today! Wanna read it? OKAY, HERE:

Hi Rob,
Congrats on the very high google placement of your blog! A friend of mine just let me know that it’s the first thing to come up when someone searches for my name. Actually my maiden name, but a lot of my colleagues only know me by that name. You got it exactly right, I was (and still am) a huge dork, and Angela Apgar was a total cunt, no doubt, to a lot of people. (side note-she used to sleep over at my house in elementary school. she regularly pissed the bed, and after she actually SHIT the bed my mom banned her from sleeping over. maybe why she picked on me for years.) If I ever did anything mean to you growing up, then I deserve to have my name up there, and I’m truly sorry. I remember you as one of the more badass kids that I never thought noticed dorks like me. High school memories are notoriously fucked so who the hell knows. I figure it’s never too late to apologize for any stupid shit I’ve done, maybe before I die I’ll get through a bunch of the apologies I owe people. If I didn’t do anything to you though, it would be pretty cool to not have that story at the top of a search for my name. Whatever, it’s the internet so who the fuck cares, it’s just a request, feel free to laugh at it or change it, it’s cool either way. I hope life is good for you, and that you have good people around you and no angela apgars in sight.

So yes, I did some editing and all. But. I’m not crazy for thinking this is great stuff, right? Did I mention that Angela Apgar went on to be hot-shit cheerleader in high school? Because that’s what she did. Which, I’ve never been too judgmental towards the cheerleader types (the preceeding was most likely a blatant lie), but this girl was not nice. Not nice at all. So. It’s funny for me to know that she was a bedwetter!

And of course I wrote this girl back to try and apologize and let her know that I never had any harsh feelings toward her or anything. I may have failed to mention that I was EXTREMELY insecure when I was a kid/teen, and so it was pretty easy to “notice the dorks” when I was totally a lame-o dorky ugly kid that was pretending to be a bad-ass.

Anyway. You should know. In the spirit of updating, Grace has written me back. Apparently, she’s from the Ivory Coast. Her dead father was the King of Nairobi or something, and she wants my banking info so she can send me a shitload of random free money. Well, see? I knew it was too good to be true. I guess I’ll keep looking for my one, true love.

Also, I’m inspired to start writing stories about everyone I’ve ever known. Just to see how many complaint letters I get. Google loves me now, I’m very e-popular. So. What else could I possibly do but exploit my new-found POWER?!??!! FUCK YEAH!


About R. Spacely

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2 Responses to I’ve got blood on my neck from success.

  1. janet says:

    wow! I would be shitting bricks sooo embarrassed! People take google name searches seriously in the 21st century. It’s a lot of professionalism and crap and while I’m not sure if I really think it should BE this way, it is. And you’ve gotta respect people’s names and identities and sense of privacy.

  2. Tee. says:

    Dude, that could have been a lot worse. Good thing I don’t put your mom’s full name on my blog. Hi-yo!

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