All drenched in milk and holy water, pouring from the sky.

I sometimes wonder about how many other people besides me are obsessed with death. And then I wonder if it’s just side effect of being alive. I mean, everything dies, and I assume that most “higher beings” (I’m thinking… anything smarter than amoebas or earthworms) are aware of death. Maybe even plants are aware of their eventual death.

Anyway, as I mentioned a couple days ago, I’ve been listening to a lot of Neutral Milk Hotel again lately. Today, I was struck funny by a particular verse of the song, Ghost. As far as I can tell, the words go like this:

And one day in New York City, baby, a girl fell from the sky.
From the top of a burning apartment building, 14 stories high.
And when her spirit left her body, how it split the sun.
I know that she will live forever, all goes on and on.

So I started thinking about what it would be like. To jump. From 14 stories. That’s gotta be, what, 120 feet? How long would it take? Long enough to have a few last conscious (and thousands more unconscious) thoughts. I wondered what it would be like to have those thoughts. The overwhelming one, I think, would be oh my fucking god, why did I jump? But, that’s what I’d like to do now. I’m going to pretend that I jumped off of a 14 story building, and I’m going to pretend that either time is going very verrrrrrrrrrrry slooooowwwly OR my mind is gng vr qkly (see what I did there? so quick, you can’t even see the vowels). Okay. Well. Yes, I think this will be fun times.

And here’s my jump.

[JUMP]

Oh fuck. This is really happening. This is the last three seconds of my life. I wish I had a burger. The ground looks so smooth from up here. Why did I jump? This is kinda terrifying. I mean, this is it. I’m fucking dead meat in 2 and a half seconds. I feel like I’m flying though. I wonder if I would have had more appreciation for life if I would’ve gotten around to skydiving. Maybe I wouldn’t have jumped off of this building. I am totally gonna fuck up this car I’m about to land on. Does insurance cover suicides? I’d be so pissed if someone else’s death ruined my fancy new car. Maybe if I flap my arms… shit, no time for that. Was my life really that bad? I hope I don’t hate being dead. It’s kind of a leap of faith, right? Haha, I’m awesome at puns even in my final moment. But to assume being dead is anything like life, or like ANYTHING AT ALL. What if it’s just like being asleep? God, that would be amazing. Just to dream forever and ever? I’m glad I will never again check my facebook page obsessively. My dreams have always been the weirdest. But what if being dead is like being alive? Or what if all those psychotic religious folk were right about the Heaven/Hell thing? Oh, I’m probably going to Hell if that’s true. I hope it’s like South Park’s version of Hell though, where Satan is actually a whiney fruitbag torn between his lovers. No, Hell isn’t real, and I’m not going there. I’m probably not going there. But there may be a human spirit. God, I hope I can be a ghost. I will fuck with people so bad! But that’s probably not real either. Bob Barker is cool. Or maybe my soul energy will just float on out to the stars. Fuckin’ A, man! I hope I can meet aliens. And fuck aliens. That would be so hot. Holy shit, this is it. I’m gonna die right now.

Did I do everything I needed to? Well, yeah, I guess. Mostly. I’m okay. Life has been pretty weird and special and amazing. Then why am I ending it? I had an answer to that one like… 6 seconds ago. I am definitely gonna destroy that car’s windshield. I want to take a nap. I wish I had time to write this poor bastard a note. I really hope his insurance covers this. The whole falling thing, though, this is beautiful. I feel like I don’t exist up here, like I’m a big dopey ghostbird. Ahh, I hate America. I hate that birds make me think of freedom, and I hate that freedom makes me think of that ugly fuckin’ flag. I hate that flag. I should get a tattoo of a burning flag. Shit. I’m not gonna get that tattoo. Or that burger. Fuck, I’m hungry. HUNGRY!! I’m totally about to die. That’s awesome that I don’t have to worry about eating anymore. I love burritos and all, but eating a couple times a day SUCKS. So I guess this THIS really is freedom. I really do hope for the outer space thing. I hope they don’t have advertisements all over everything up there. I hope the aliens just want to be nice to me, and no more ulterior motives. OR maybe the aliens won’t happen. I wish I knew. I guess I’m about to. I wonder if this part is gonna hurt. I hope it does. I hope it hurts so much. I want the greatest, most epic pain of my life. That will be cathartic. My bones feel cold. Well I guess that’s all over. Fuck. I should say something brilliant. Last words? No one’s ever gonna hear it. That’s kind of sad. And beautiful. What should I say? What the fuck should I say?? I don’t know, man. Nothing’s coming to me. Now or never. That car is gonna happen. It’s gonna happen. Fuck. This is it, isn’t it? God, this is the longest flight ever. I’m glad it’s almost over. I’m getting bored. I guess I’ve always been getting bored. That’s probably what brought me here. Definitely. What to say… what to say…

“Thanks for all the…”

[IMPACT]

Fuck you all, it was just a guess. How am I supposed to know what it’s really like?

And that last picture right there is that famous one, I guess that chick jumped off the Empire State Building? I don’t know. But I always thought it was pretty beautiful. She looks like she’s just lounging like a dainty princess. It’s cute. Weirdcute, but cute nonetheless. Don’t judge me, assface! I’m entitled to whatever thoughts I’d like to have.

Anyway. I might be posting more about death tomorrow. Because all this was unplanned. But I had a lot of ideas I wanted to talk about. And I don’t have time right now. I gots to get up very early.

And just for clarification’s sake, I’m NOT suicidal or anything. I was actually in a better mood today than I’ve been in a couple weeks. I’m grateful for music that I love, and a few good friends, and I am stoked for my day off on Thursday. It’s gonna be a weird one, so I’m pretty excited. I am also grateful for Louie CK having his own TV show. He is my main man.

Anyways. Bye now!

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About R. Spacely

Bastard.
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2 Responses to All drenched in milk and holy water, pouring from the sky.

  1. When I was thirteen, I found a copy of that photo of the beautiful girl on top of the car, dead, in an old Life Magazine…
    I cut it out and framed it. I hung it by my desk.

    I still have it. It’s old and wrinkled and beaten up, but its come with me everywhere. I don’t know why I love it so much, but I do.

    • Yeah, it’s such a great picture. She doesn’t even look dead, you know? Like she’s just relaxing on top of a crushed car, taking a mid-day nap. Weird.

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