Where their bodies once moved but don’t move anymore…

Alright. This one might make yer head spin a little. Just fair warning. I think I had like 4 big things to discuss. I can only remember one of them right now, so the others may show up here very abruptly. Haha, like this one just did. Wait. Does wordpress have bulletpoints. I have to do something so I can remember what to talk about. Hang on.

— My cousins used to rape each other all the time.
— My uncle is sure he has past-life connections to the Titanic.
— I found my new favorite beer.
— Cannibalism.
— I want to go on a date with the young actress, Emma Stone.
— Maybe I’m gonna grow an ironically non-ironic mustache.

I'm not related to this guy, but I'm related to his best friends.

Okay okay okay. So, yeah. Yet ANOTHER reason my vasectomy was a brilliant idea? I just found out last week ago that a lot of my male cousins used to rape/harass/molest the female cousins. This came up in casual conversation with my aunt, after I ditched out on a family party a couple weekends ago. Holy fuck, right?! Let me explain that my family on my dad’s side… well, there are a lot of 2nd/3rd/whatever cousins out there. They are fucking poor, Irish, crazy people. When going through the family history of these people, there are lots and lots of drugs and suicides and young deaths… so why not add incestual rape to the list?? In all fairness, I did jerk off while entertaining thoughts of one of my older cousin’s girlfriends once when I was 13ish. That’s probably a stretch, and not to mention she was a hot skank and I was 13. But raping your ugly little sister? WHO THE FUCK does that?! My not-so-distant relatives, that’s who!! I don’t wanna talk too much about it right now because I’m still taking notes on these matters, and I’m considering all of this shit for the book I’m getting closer and closer to beginning to write. I am also really fucking disgusted and embarrassed about the whole thing, and I have no idea how to emotionally tackle it without just exploding in rage. But, on the bright(aka the “ignorance is bliss”) side, no children for me, right? I don’t have to worry about contributing anything else to the world that may end up having rapey genes. And even if I had a child with no rapey genes, I’d still have to be nervous at family gatherings, right? Nope. After my next dick doctor’s appointment on the 13th of September, I should be confirmed as totally fucking infertile! Righteous!! You can’t rape my babies no more, family.

Anyway. Magic Hat. I talked about one of their beers a while ago. I tried their Hefefweizen once, and I drank the IPA. Well, kids. I tried the Hefeweizen again, it’s called Circus Boy, and I’m fucking in love!! Oh my god. And it’s lame that this happens two months before I head back to Portland, where I’m sure they don’t carry Magic Hat beers in too many bars. AHHHH, shit. I really can’t wait though, to get back to my shitty rainy weather and buses every 10 minutes and Olé Olé burritos and fucking MUSIC. But yeah, I will have to get out and experiment with some new beers, in order to fill the void that will undoubtedly be a gaping hole in my heart, upon having to leave my Circus Boy behind. FOR SHAME!!

Can we talk about humans eating humans now? I wanna try this someday. I am pretty sure the world is gonna kill itself off pretty soon anyway, in my lifetime I’d imagine. Plagues or wars or aliens or the weather… something is coming for us. SO… whatever, what’s the big deal about eating human flesh. I’m gonna go ahead and admit it right now, I have tried eating pretty much all of the things that have come off/out of my body. I have grown out of it a lot, I mean. I no longer sit there and chew the skin off of my toes like I did when I was 10. I rarely eat my boogers nowadays, but if it was more socially acceptable I totally would do it constantly. Because those little bastards are salty and delicious like sunflower seeds without all the hard work (Admit it, you fucking liars!). And I’ve tasted my jism a few times, on purpose or on accident, which also tastes okay. I rarely get cuts or scrapes in my old age here, but I used to LOVE chewing on my scabs when I was a kid. And when I do bleed, even nowadays, I drink that shit right up. Let’s face it: I am a fearless, truth-telling carnivore. And guess what else. I’d feel a lot less guilty about eating a human than I feel about eating a cow (or the composite of 42 random factory-farmed cows that may or may not go into any given burger in America). I have tons of guilt about still eating meat, but all of that sadness leaves me as soon as I think about cannibalism. Let me be clear: I am never going to eat a human unless the shit really hits the fan and the world is ending. But that doesn’t mean I can’t fantasize. And it doesn’t mean that I can’t pray for that shit-on-fan day to come so I have a good enough excuse to chew on all of your fucking faces. No no, I’m kidding. I would totally stir-fry some ass with fresh peppers and pineapples and a few of my favorite spices. Eating raw humans would be really really weird, unless that were the only way I could do it, the only way to survive. I’d much rather have grilling capabilities, wouldn’t you? But, seriously. Haven’t you ever seen someone that just had an ass on them that makes you say, “oh my fucking god, I just wanna bite that thing!” And I’m not gonna lie, in sexual situations, I’ve been reprimanded for biting an ass a little too hard. I wasn’t trying to feed myself or anything, I really wasn’t. But yeah. I love me some ass. And in a futuristic holocaust kind of situation, that’s the first body part I’m eating. For practical reasons, moreso than sexual reasons.

Fuck you, meatball.

Speaking of these topics. I can’t eat while having sex. I can’t even think about sex while I’m eating. Unless it’s sexy food. Like certain fruits, or ice cream maybe? But if I’m sitting down to a plate of penne a la vodka, you damn well better not mention a vagina. I will punch you right in the nose. Or I’ll just do the whiny hippie thing and go, “Awww MAN!! Now I can’t eat. What the fuck, maaaaaan?! So gross…” But yeah. When I was maybe 11, I was over at my friend Matt’s house, watching the first porno I’d ever seen. It was called “Swedish Meatballs.” Do I have to tell you why? Okay then. So, yeah, I’m assuming my libido was bruised for life by this thrilling VHS experience. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had has thought this is the funniest thing. This is why I am never successful in relationships. Bitches always be trying to whipping out plates of chicken cutlets while I be trying to tap that ass. Seriously though. And I don’t even eat in bed, whether fucking or not, for fear of having crumbs rolling around in the with me. If I even get the smallest food particle on my cock… fucking hell, I don’t even wanna know what happens on that day.

Anyway. If the end of the world has made itself perfectly evident, you better watch out for me and people like me. We will bake your ass muscles in a honey glaze and eat ’em right in front of you… probably won’t even share.

Finally, I watched Zombieland the other night. I don’t give two doo-doos about zombies. I think hipsters and videogame nerds need to shut the crap up about the impending zombiepocalypse. But. Zombieland was a rad movie. And I found that Wichita chick very sexy. I wanna take her out for drinks and then see if she wants to get naked. Can anyone arrange this please? Even though I found out she’s dating that toolbag from that Rocker movie she did, so she’s obviously got no real integrity or any decent taste in dudes whatsoever… I’d still like to enjoy a stand-up 69 with her on a hotel balcony in Cancun, Mexico. Is that so wrong?

"Oh my gosh, Rob, I'd LOVE to stand-up 69 with you on a hotel balcony in Cancun! Let's go now!"

Also. my 200th post is happening in a couple of posts. I am doing something amazing for it. So. Watch out for that. And hopefully, before that happens, I’ll have an opportunity to write a post about a popular blogger that I think is an absurdly overrated and pretentious pussy. That will also be good times, I think.

Okay, Saturday Night. Let’s get drunk!


About R. Spacely

This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Where their bodies once moved but don’t move anymore…

  1. melissa says:

    1. my cousins used to enjoy some really strange times with me that i was too young to really think twice about until i was older; including a version of “house” that included me taking a naked pretend shower. with a twelve year old. i was 4. THANKS COUSIN GREG.

    2. wanting to eat something you find really attractive (or loveable as the case may be with my adorable son) isn’t all that strange. there’s a term “facsia brute” which means to eat face — a term for cuteness. there’s some scientific bullshit about it, too, but i’m going to bed.

    • A girl I dated used to tell me “you’re so fucking cute, I want to just eat your face!” She probably said this to all the fellas. But she was a pretty not-too-worried-about-freaking-people-out kind of person. So. I wonder if this is what many people are thinking, but most don’t have the balls to say it?

      Your cousin Greg sounds like a fuckhead.

  2. Essie says:

    You should set yourself a challenge to think about eating people during sex. If the thought doesn’t put you off, God wants you to do it. Unfortunatly you aren’t supposed to advertise that you’re a cannibal on Craiglist anymore, so perhaps you should cut off your own finger and eat it. And then the doctors can do cool surgery on you and get the finger out of your stomach and sew it back on and they can like do a Grey’s Anatomy based on your experience. Which would totally piss away your cool.
    My point is – and I do have one – eating people is not good. Not even yourself.

  3. Sarah Elizabeth says:

    Hefeweizens are awesome. Especially Circus Boy. And Magic Hat in general is an awesome beer. You’ve got good beer taste. Congrats.

  4. Amber says:

    I’m not going to get into some of the crazy shit I found out about a couple of my not-so-distant relatives but I will say that it isn’t too dissimilar from what you’ve alluded to with a little schizophrenia thrown in for good measure.

    Why do men think Emma Stone is sexy? I’ll never understand it. She’s cute, I guess, but her mouth is weird to me.

  5. Priveledged rapists says:

    Imagine going to a good school, Harvard or Yale, and trying to keep up with the likes of those who earned their place AND the priveledged trash whose daddies got them in and their brilliance is because of Artificial Intelligence.
    I woudl be trying to compete against the motherfucking computer.
    Remember the rape era, when rich white males would be allowed to procure sex through Artificial Intelligence? Now these sluts comply, but there was a period when the gods maximized damage, and the helpless young women were pushed into it with the man’s knowledge.

Say something brilliant.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s