It’s starting to hit me. I’ll be gone from this place in two months. Last time I left NY, I didn’t come back for 6 years. Not even for a visit. I liked it that way. This time, I’d like to never come back. I have no desire to ever step foot on Long Island ever again. I’ll miss my family, but they could always come out to see me. And as far as friends… I’m pretty sick of everyone here.
I thought for a long time, I assumed everybody was just… weirded out by me, and the fact that I’m a little crazy. But I think what’s really going on is that people are a little lazy and a lot flakey, and I also think that my friends here don’t appreciate me. Yes, I am a fucking weirdo and sometimes I give very unhealthy advice and sometimes I become self-destructive. BUT. I am also fun and creative and incredibly sweet and caring and loving, I am always down for any kind of adventure, I will always give someone my full atnnetion if they need it, I can fuck like whoa, and I can cook really good mexican food. THESE are qualities people should be looking for in a friend.
So… no more taking it personally. I’ve got my issues, yes. But mostly, I’m pretty fucking awesome. And if people just want to say “LET’S HANG OUT, WE GOTTA HANG OUT,” without actually hanging out… then fuck ’em. It’s their loss.
I’m just thinking today. Like my friend Nicole, for example. I’m probably never going to see Nicole ever again. Even though we’ve been hella close for years and years. Because since I’ve been back here, 7 months, she hasn’t called me more than once or twice (even though I call her once or twice a month without fail). And my friend Todd? That’s it, man. I’m done trying to convince him to get up and hang out with me. And if he doesn’t get in touch within the next couple months, I’m probably just going to take it as a hint, and I will never call him again. And hot tattoo artist chick? We decided a while ago, to be friends, et cetera. But. I’m telling you right now, I’m never calling that girl again unless she puts in a little effort too. I offered to come over and pamper her while she was sick a couple weeks ago, and she never even called me back like she said she would. Fuck all of y’all. And don’t even get me started on Kali… I have no idea what the fuck got into her.
I mean, I’ve been really fucking patient. With everyone. I’ve been kind and understanding. I try to see it from their perspectives. Which is why I was assuming I’ve alientated everyone, and my mental illness has pushed them all away. But that kind of thinking? All it did was make me feel shitty, and still… people didn’t call me. So. I’m not gonna be all tough on myself anymore.
Sure. I’ve got some issues and stuff. But I’m a great dude. And over the years, I think I’ve learned to be a really decent friend. If people don’t want to see me, I will just hang around and wait for the people that do want to see me.
It does make me sad though. I am going to miss Todd. I miss him already. I miss Nicole already. I miss Gin already. I miss Kali, I miss Alyssa, I miss Noah, I miss a lot of people. And these are all people that I may never see again. And it won’t even be my fault. Because nobody fucking calls me. Nobody writes. Nobody knocks on my door.
When I was still on the West coast, there was so much talk of “oh my god, I can’t wait till you get back here!” Well. I got back here. Nobody moved a fucking muscle. And even since I’ve been here, I’ll get a facebook/email message “oh, we have to hang out soon.” But I never hear from anyone.
But it’s funny. Because when I do see these people… it’s almost like I’m not even there anyway. It’s like a floating-above-my-body experience. Looking at the conversation, waiting to remember what we had going for us 5 or 10 years ago, trying to understand what the connection used to be… I just don’t even feel human sometimes around people. I can fuck around, take myself out of my self, and just chit-chat and small-talk and even big-talk… but none of it means much. I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt welcomed and accepted and understood by another human. One of those pure moments? Where I am in a certain place, and the thought never crosses my mind that I’d rather be somewhere else, with someone else or by myself? It’s been a long time since that has happened.
I find it very strange how we constantly kill the things we love, and how we constantly throw away the things we ask for. I’m guilty too, yes, of course. But this is not just my problem. We all do it. This explains why I feel sad when no one calls me, and why I wish I were elswhere when I’m with the person I was hoping would call me. This also explains why people always love/miss me when I’m 3,000 miles away.
Humans are fuckheads, no?