You will miss me when I burn.

It’s starting to hit me. I’ll be gone from this place in two months. Last time I left NY, I didn’t come back for 6 years. Not even for a visit. I liked it that way. This time, I’d like to never come back. I have no desire to ever step foot on Long Island ever again. I’ll miss my family, but they could always come out to see me. And as far as friends… I’m pretty sick of everyone here.
I thought for a long time, I assumed everybody was just… weirded out by me, and the fact that I’m a little crazy. But I think what’s really going on is that people are a little lazy and a lot flakey, and I also think that my friends here don’t appreciate me. Yes, I am a fucking weirdo and sometimes I give very unhealthy advice and sometimes I become self-destructive. BUT. I am also fun and creative and incredibly sweet and caring and loving, I am always down for any kind of adventure, I will always give someone my full atnnetion if they need it, I can fuck like whoa, and I can cook really good mexican food. THESE are qualities people should be looking for in a friend.
So… no more taking it personally. I’ve got my issues, yes. But mostly, I’m pretty fucking awesome. And if people just want to say “LET’S HANG OUT, WE GOTTA HANG OUT,” without actually hanging out… then fuck ’em. It’s their loss.
I’m just thinking today. Like my friend Nicole, for example. I’m probably never going to see Nicole ever again. Even though we’ve been hella close for years and years. Because since I’ve been back here, 7 months, she hasn’t called me more than once or twice (even though I call her once or twice a month without fail). And my friend Todd? That’s it, man. I’m done trying to convince him to get up and hang out with me. And if he doesn’t get in touch within the next couple months, I’m probably just going to take it as a hint, and I will never call him again. And hot tattoo artist chick? We decided a while ago, to be friends, et cetera. But. I’m telling you right now, I’m never calling that girl again unless she puts in a little effort too. I offered to come over and pamper her while she was sick a couple weeks ago, and she never even called me back like she said she would. Fuck all of y’all. And don’t even get me started on Kali… I have no idea what the fuck got into her.
I mean, I’ve been really fucking patient. With everyone. I’ve been kind and understanding. I try to see it from their perspectives. Which is why I was assuming I’ve alientated everyone, and my mental illness has pushed them all away. But that kind of thinking? All it did was make me feel shitty, and still… people didn’t call me. So. I’m not gonna be all tough on myself anymore.
Sure. I’ve got some issues and stuff. But I’m a great dude. And over the years, I think I’ve learned to be a really decent friend. If people don’t want to see me, I will just hang around and wait for the people that do want to see me.
It does make me sad though. I am going to miss Todd. I miss him already. I miss Nicole already. I miss Gin already. I miss Kali, I miss Alyssa, I miss Noah, I miss a lot of people. And these are all people that I may never see again. And it won’t even be my fault. Because nobody fucking calls me. Nobody writes. Nobody knocks on my door.
When I was still on the West coast, there was so much talk of “oh my god, I can’t wait till you get back here!” Well. I got back here. Nobody moved a fucking muscle. And even since I’ve been here, I’ll get a facebook/email message “oh, we have to hang out soon.” But I never hear from anyone.

But it’s funny. Because when I do see these people… it’s almost like I’m not even there anyway. It’s like a floating-above-my-body experience. Looking at the conversation, waiting to remember what we had going for us 5 or 10 years ago, trying to understand what the connection used to be… I just don’t even feel human sometimes around people. I can fuck around, take myself out of my self, and just chit-chat and small-talk and even big-talk… but none of it means much. I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt welcomed and accepted and understood by another human. One of those pure moments? Where I am in a certain place, and the thought never crosses my mind that I’d rather be somewhere else, with someone else or by myself? It’s been a long time since that has happened.

I find it very strange how we constantly kill the things we love, and how we constantly throw away the things we ask for. I’m guilty too, yes, of course. But this is not just my problem. We all do it. This explains why I feel sad when no one calls me, and why I wish I were elswhere when I’m with the person I was hoping would call me. This also explains why people always love/miss me when I’m 3,000 miles away.

Humans are fuckheads, no?


About R. Spacely

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9 Responses to You will miss me when I burn.

  1. natalie says:

    200 posts bro…epic.

  2. Dude. I felt EXACTLY the same way when I moved from New York City to LA. People claim that they love you and then make NO effort to see you before you leave or, in my case, treat you like total shit and make you glad that you’re going. So I’m right there with you.

  3. Kris says:

    I would totally call you. Unless I’m honest and admit that I sometimes intend to, and then don’t. But I would really really intend to call you.

    I sometimes don’t realize the effort I should’ve put into relationships until I’m leaving. And then it sucks and it’s always partly my own fault. In the end words are a whole hell of a lot easier then action.

  4. Amber says:

    OMG Mister! I had a dream about you last night. Isn’t that weird? So, in the dream I met you and we were chilling in my room. Then my grandmother came in with this cat. She was trying to spy on us because I think that she thought we were boning. But we weren’t. We were just having this really good conversation. I was so pumped that I was finally meeting you and then you turned out to be a robot. So, I’d never actually met you. It was a robot the whole time. And then the police took robot-you away. I’m not sure why.

    Anyway, I think the dream means that if I lived near you, we’d be hanging out on the reg.

    (I just read what I wrote and I’m wondering if it’s super creepy. I hope not.)

  5. Amber, not creepy at all. For some reason, a lot of people are telling me about dreams that have me in them. To answer your implied question… the robot-me is a fucking derelict who brought an entire Pepsi vending machine home the other night. I’m thinking that’s why the cops are out.

    And Kris, you’re definitely right about words being the easiest of options. But. Not all of us are like that. I mean… I generally loathe telephone calls, but I make the effort anyway. Because some people are worth it, no? I just think 99% of humans are feeling lonely these days, but then… still nobody does anything to remedy that. Weird.

    @Kosher: Absolutely. Especially New Yorkers. Those people are the pits.

    And uh… Natalie? Thanks… bro.

  6. risha; says:

    I’d ring you if I said I would.

    And if I didn’t? I’d have a valid reason why. And I’d make up for it, buy you beer or something because I’d feel awful for not keeping my promises.

    And I hate it when people don’t reciprocate that. It’s shit and it’s taking good people- good friends- for granted and honestly, treating them like shit. I’d say ditch them and move on, but I can’t seem to because I have some screwed up understanding of what friendship is; so yeah.

    I hope they ring you, the unappreciative fucks.

    • Hot tattoo chick invited me out tonight. I didn’t say it, but I thought that was really cute. She is off the shit list now.

      I’m starting to realise just how unbalanced I am. Because now looking back at this post, I can only barely relate to it. I was in a bad mood. I’m out of it now. I think I’ve built myself a bit of a “fortress of solitude” in ways, so it’s only right that I should live there. But it’s okay. I’m working on things.

      And I know you’d ring me. And we’d have great talks with wide eyes!

  7. krystal says:

    I think about this a lot too. How there’s always somewhere else I’d rather be, or be doing. I haven’t one of those nights that just keep going and going because no one wants to be anywhere else in a long time, you know? Maybe it’s a societal thing. Or a getting older thing. There’s only one person that I can think of that I’ve been with in a long time where I truly felt all there and didn’t want to leave but that’s like the worst person possible for me, so now everything sucks. Well, I’m being dramatic, but really…I get it

    • I’m glad you get it. And yeah, that was a good way of putting it. Where the night keeps going and going and going? I like those nights. Sucks that these things sometimes happen with the wrong people. But. I don’t know. I’m kind of feeling like an romantic optimist again lately. Maybe it requires… just a little more patience than you want to give? But maybe once you give it, maybe that’s when you get your reward? I don’t know. Things are funny.

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