As hesitant as I am to write about the things I’m about to write about and then to share these things with the world (or at least the few dozens of people that read this blog), I am going to do it anyway. Sometimes I like to stare a terrible risk right in its ugly face and just say “fuck it.” I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m doing right now. I am excited and I am scared. I have been feeling excited and scared all day.
It’s Sunday evening. I am listening to loud music in my ears. The kind of loud that rattles my brain, the kind of loud that I really love the most. I think I’m kind of hung over, but I’m not sure. I woke up stilldrunk today, after a very strange Saturday night… a perfect end to an amazing day. This is what I’m here for now. To talk about Saturday. Because I have a really bizarre feeling in my belly that it was a day that is going to change my life in some pretty big ways.
First, I want to explain that I’ve been having a weird time lately. New York has been getting to me, as it always does. As usual, I’m feeling pretty lost… but that’s fine, I’m used to that part, I‘ve accepted the fact that I‘m a late bloomer and I‘m still trying to understand myself and still trying to figure out what to do with my life. But the thing that New York has added to the equation is a lack of confidence. It’s not NY’s fault, I’ve always struggled with self-esteem and the anxiety stuff, but NY has recently done a great job of putting these problems on my front-burners. I mean, I really just haven’t been feeling too great about myself lately, and it sort of hurts even though I‘ve been trying to hide from it and maintain some false pride or something. But the truth is that I feel insignificant and old lately. I’ve had the overwhelming feeling that I am a fucking ghost of some former self of mine. This part is going to sound ridiculous to many of you, but I semi-recently downloaded a thing that I can listen to on my mp3 player… it’s a recording of a hypnosis session that is supposed to boost my confidence. I think it’s silly, but maybe it’ll do something for me? Because I am sorta getting eaten alive here.
That’s the set-up, folks. Now that we’re all caught up, let me tell you about Saturday.
I went in to work in the morning, started working my balls off. I got a series of text messages. From my ex-girlfriend that probably hates me a bit, even though we’ve slightly started getting along again lately. Anyway. Listen, I am going to post what the texts said, not for stupid show-offy reasons, but because I really want to remember. They made me feel pretty awesome about myself, and maybe you’ll understand why. Here:
“I woke up this morning, hip bones grinding into my pillow, after an uber raunchy and gratifying sex dream about you. Why are you such an impossibly good”
“fuck? You always managed to leave me breathless at least and shaking and screaming at best, which is a pretty good spectrum. Even I can’t fuck myself tha”
“t well. have a good day!”
My retardedly awkward reply was “Sorry… I like teh sechs?” Because I had no idea how else to respond to something like that. And so instantly, I was feeling pretty great about myself. I found it fairly easy to, indeed, “have a good day” after that.
And then El Perro Sucio made my day even better. Well, I explained him a long while ago when I started this job. But for those who missed it. He’s my crazy Puerto Rican produce guru at work. Well the social dynamic has shifted over the last couple of months. I think I’ve proven myself to him and all of that. So we talk a lot of shit back and forth. And sometimes at the end of my day, that hour that he comes in and I’m just getting ready to leave, I’ll get a few little airplane bottles of booze at the liquor store next door and we’ll have a toast before I fuck off and catch the bus home. He drinks his Southern Comfort and I drink my Jack Daniel’s Old No 7. Well MY POINT HERE, is about yesterday. Saturday. First of all, I mentioned the fact that he is Puerto Rican because this motherfucker talks really fast and has a pretty heavy accent. This is relevant because many times I only catch half of what he’s actually saying. But YESTERDAY. Saturday. His girlfriend came in and he introduced me. Later on he tells me he’s gonna marry her pretty soon, like in the next month or two. He told me about how they’ve been together for 14 years and they have a 12-year-old kid together and how the kid started asking about last names and why are there so many in his family? So. They’re gonna get married. Not a big thing. But a thing. And he says he’s gonna want me to come to the wedding and hang out and eat and drink and be merry. And how he kinda thinks of me like a brother and all of that heartbreakingly adorable stuff. I was floored. I was honored. Because this is a good dude. A respectable dude. So, once again on my rad Saturday… my RADURDAY (I just made that word up! Congratulate me!), somebody really made a pretty small gesture that made me feel great. I was experiencing humanity! Like… from inside the scene. Because most of the beauty I see in my life, I am observing it from the outside.
This brings me to where I tell you about my evening. This is gonna be all the scary/exciting parts.
But first, let’s take a quick break here, okay? You can watch this video and relax yer brain for a few minutes if you want? This is my favorite song today. I have listened to this a few times today now.
And if I’m going to tell you all the truth, I may as well tell the entire truth, even the embarrassing bits.
[UPDATE: And after finishing this post and then re-reading this post, I’ve now posted/unposted it like 4 times each. I really don’t want to put this up. But I really do. I can’t decide. For the first time in a while, I’m actually worried that doing something stupid is going to have negative consequences that I will not like. And I think it is a stupid idea to post all of this. But I think it will be worse if I don’t post it now. FUCK. This is the last time I’m ever writing about a girl who has admitted to reading my blog. For serious. Last time.]
So. I have a profile on an internet dating website. I like this website for a bunch of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with dating. I’ve made a couple of friends off of it, I’ve taken some pretty interesting tests that have taught me a few things about myself, and I’ve used some people’s profiles for inspiration when coming up with characters for my fiction writing. Well, a few days ago, some extremely friendly girl sent me a really nice message. We talked back and forth a bit. I was really skeptical though because she had pictures up on the website. From the pictures, as far as I could see, she was WAY WAAAAAY too attractive to be talking to me. But she was down to earth, and she seemed to be really open-minded and just… human.
I was terrified to meet up with her, but she persuaded me to come meet her at a bar last night. When I say terrified, I really do mean it. I was trying my best to come up with a decent excuse not to go see her. But she won. And I went.
I want to talk about how crazy the moon looked, and I want to talk about the barefoot guy running down the road with a lawn chair in his hand. But I don’t really have the time. BUT. You should know that very early on… I knew it was going to be a weird night.
I’m standing outside this bar. Apparently, there’s a party going on in there for a local kid that died. I’m standing outside smoking a cigarette, trying to calm myself. Girl walks up. Holy shit. The pictures were LYING. Not only was she really fucking cute and all of that, but it turned out that she’s pretty much the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m a flirt, and I’m an appreciator of beautiful things. I’ve seen beautiful women. I see them every day. But. Dude, I don’t even know how to explain how she affected me. It was like something out of a fucking movie. I just felt like… I don’t know. I felt like… the first three seconds of looking at her completely erased most of the bad things I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m not going to sit here and gush about her specific features, because that’s creepy, but. I really could sit here and discuss this much further. No, no. NO!
The fear didn’t go away. At all. She spoke and her voice was perfect and I lost myself for a few seconds more. We walked in the bar and there was a $10 cover charge because of that kid that died. We walked out of the bar and decided that it would be better to go buy a 12 pack across the street and just go drink somewhere. So we were off to a good start, yeah?
I just want to run through all of this kind of quickly because I don’t know how else not to bore everyone with too many words.
We sat on the curb on the side of the store. I opened a beer. We started talking. Everything started to feel more comfortable. And then I asked if there’s a park or something we could hang out in. We walked to the back of some school and started drinking beers on the playground. And we talked about jobs and cocaine and humanity and aliens and life things. Hmm. Let me do a better job of shortening all of this. We got kicked out of there, went to another park, talked a lot, turned tic-tac-toe into a drinking game, there was a hug in there somewhere, I admitted to her that she was devastatingly beautiful, and she seemed really surprised to hear that, and then two people approached on foot. They turned out to be fucked up on angel dust. We talked and drank with them, and then we took a ride together for more beer. The beautiful girl asked me to escort her while she used the nearby woods to pee. Turns out she didn’t have to pee. She wanted to talk about getting out of there. And then there was a kiss. I can’t remember who actually initiated it, but I’m thinking it was her because I was still kind of intimidated. I don’t know if it was a drunken kind of kiss that she later regretted, but I think it kinda felt like an “I actually like you” kind of kiss. I may be totally wrong about that but I really hope I’m not. It was quick and awesome but I was too drunk to really understand. Anyway. I walked her home. But then we sort of just sat down on the street and talked. For like another hour or something? Maybe more, I’m not sure. And I think we were both really sloshed by then. And I probably embarrassed myself by telling her too much of the truth.
Girl: “If I slept over tonight, would you try to do me?”
Me: “Well, I mean… yeah, maybe.”
I probably should’ve explained that I’m not a sleazy asshole. And that I probably would’ve tried to make out with her a little and then maybe just cozied up to her for sleepytime. I believe she deserves only good things, and I definitely would never disrespect her or push her to do anything she wasn’t completely into.
This girl is positive and smart and thoughtful and humble and compassionate and curious and funny and outgoing and friendly and she is a thinker and a talker and a listener and an asker of all the right questions. She’s also vulnerable and maybe a little sad inside too. And can I admit that my heart jumped up and down every single time I saw her smile last night? It felt so good to be in her presence. I don’t even know how to really express it all. I don’t know anything right now. But, if I’m not mistaken, I think there was a lot of chemistry happening.
I walked her to her house. and we said our goodbyes. She was already texting me some cute shit by the time I got in the cab to go home. And one of my favorite things was when she told me I’m an amazing dude and “next time we hang out, we shouldn’t drink.” I got back in the house at 5:45am this morning, drunk as fuck, happy happy happy. I had to work at noon, I was still drunk, walked in to everyone saying “rough night?” My only reply was, “No way, man. It was a very good night.” I smiled like an idiot all day.
So okay… I know this was a long read, but here’s the point. My point is this. Radurday was fucking perfect. Someone told me I’m great in bed, someone else told me I’m like family to them, I got to have amazing conversation and weird adventures all night, and I got to kiss the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life. Despite New York’s relentless attempts to beat me up lately, I am feeling like a very lucky man today. My life is good stuff.