So I caught an old lady doing the most ridiculous bullshit at work today. As I’ve explained before (I’m explaining again for the late-comers), I work in the produce department of a grocery store. So I had just gotten to work today, and I had to go load up the display of red grapes up front. Not like you care, but red seedless grapes are my favorite food thing in the world (next to a slammin’ chicken burrito or some fresh pineapple). Whatever. So I’m walking up to the front. The grapes are a huge display, as soon as you walk in the front doors, because they’re on sale this week. Well there’s this crazy woman standing there. I stood and watched for like 3 minutes before she finally realized.
First of all, this is a woman of maybe 60 years old? Maybe 70? Maybe 50? I’m not sure because I have learned lately that white people sometimes look way older than they are. Especially when they hit age 50. So. Guessing she was 60, even though she looked 85. Liver spots on her face like whoa, and her hair was thinning just a little bit and it was pointed straight back… WAIT. I just google image searched “crazy old jewish lady” (yes, i used the quotation marks) so I could find someone who looked like her. Why is it that the ONLY results for that specific phrase was… Morgan Freeman? Two different pictures of Morgan Freeman. Why?? He’s not even a “crazy old jewish dude” or IS HE??
Anyway. You’ll just have to imagine what she looked like. So I walk up. She’s standing at the grapes. She has already pulled the price sign out of the broccoli basket next to the grapes. She has taken the paper part of the sign out of the sign holder. She is using the sign holder to try and scoop grapes all the way from the top of the display that she can’t reach. There are two bags of grapes all the way up there. There are at least 50 bags of grapes right in front of her face, within reach. AFTER she pulls the elusive two bags down, she starts pulling bunches of grapes out of them, mixing them into other bags. Stop. Eat a grape. Resume mixing bags. Stop. Eat two more grapes. Lick fingers. Try to put the signholder back where it goes, but instead just lay it down over the broccoli, and then put one of the actual paper-signs that came out of the signholer, let’s stand one of these up in the grapes and let’s put the other one in these peaches here. Resume touching the shit out of all the other grapes. I’m standing there with a very amused/puzzled “what the fuck are you doing” look on my face. Finally, FINALLY she looks over at me. It’s as if I just caught her shitting herself (I guess it’s possible she did shit herself, now that I think about it), and she says… “Oh. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t find any good ones. I thought maybe those two up top were better.” My answer was “Okay.” She kept going on with “I put the sign back. I’m sorry.” Her expression went from “you caught me” to “I am so ashamed of myself.” So I just said “Okay. Thanks.”
This is not a very interesting story, but it was one of those quietly hilarious moments. For me. I love getting an inside look at the things people do when they think no one can see them. ESPECIALLY considering this lady reminded me of my ex-girlfriend’s grandmother, a totally typical Jewish Grandma from Long Island (the accent, the track suit, still wearing the same eyeglasses she bought in 1984). The only thing that made me a little upset was when she apologized. I mean, how can you apologize for something you JUST DID TWO MINUTES AGO?? If you’re gonna come into a store and make a fucking mess in search of grapes, you should at least have a spine about it. Like the guy I caught a couple days ago. He was bending down, pretending to tie his shoes, but really.. he was stopping to eat a peach he swiped out of a basket. I accidentally walked up to him, and he looked up real quick and said, “Shit. You caught me.” I laughed and walked on.
I just think that if you’re gonna be a little bit of an asshole in public, you should do so unapologetically. What’s the point in doing something stupid if you’re going to feel bad about it later when you get caught?
Me personally, I always take consequences into consideration when I do stupid shit. And I never apologize for the stupid shit I do. The only time I apologize is when I genuinely do something stupid by accident. Like saying the wrong thing to pretty girls because I’m awkward and nervous around people I like. Or WHATEVER the case may be.
All I’m saying is… If you’re gonna be a dick, be proud of being a dick. Tell the truth about being a dick. Don’t be afraid to stand by your dicky decisions.
OKAY, Crazy Old Ladies of Long Island??! I’m talking to you too, Morgan Freeman!