We kiss on the mouth, but still cough down our sleeves…

Am I allowed to make one post that covers two different topics that are completely irrelevant to one another? I think I can, right? I’ve probably done it before. Maybe. But I want to talk about my self, and then I want to talk about Modest Mouse. I hope that’s okay.

Well, so yeah. Remember I went on and on about that girl that I hung out with last weekend? Well. That didn’t work out. Which is fine. My fault anyway, I assume, because I probably gushed too much about how awesome I thought she was… that shit probably would have weirded me out too. And then. It was bizarre how heartbroken I was for two days over it, but that’s not the point. The point is that I learned some shit from the experience. I’d like to write it down, for later reference. (To keep things clear, I will refer to this girl as Sam, because that’s kind of her name.)

Let me open a beer. Icey cold Bud Light. Fucking ewwww.

Okay. Lessons learned.

-Beauty is VERY dependent on personality. When I had no reason to dislike this girl, I swore she was the most beautiful girl in the world. There were some days there when every beautiful woman that I saw (which is tons daily, at work and out wherever) just wasn’t cutting it. Like if something happened, and I ended up in a serious thing with this girl Sam, I don’t think I would have ever needed to look at another girl again. SUPER fucking weird because I am a flirt and, despite never cheating, I’ve ALWAYS had a wandering eye. Anyway. I saw her very briefly today, and it was all different circumstances, and I now had reason not to like her so much. She was still really pretty and stuff, but I was able to find other women extremely attractive too today. It’s just strange. I watched the most beautiful girl in the world become… nothing more than the third prettiest girl I saw today.

-That said, I know that if I still had reason to have a big goofy crush on her, I’d definitely still consider her to be a fucking knockout. SO. And this is exciting. I am now faced with the fact that I went out with a girl I thought was AMAZINGLY beautiful, like… magically so, and I managed to get through the night and have great conversation and chemistry and fun and cuteness and even a little physical contact. No awkwardness beyond the first five minutes at all. Except for maybe when the dustheads showed up? Anyway. I wasn’t self-conscious, I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t afraid to be myself… these are all good things. And they all happened in the presence of a mindbendingly beautiful and charismatic girl. SO. This is my excitement: I don’t think I’ll ever feel the need to be nervous around extremely beautiful and charismatic women ever again. This realisation is making me feel completely confident, in a very general sort of way. Because I think I now understand FINALLY that…

-Looks ain’t everything!! I’m not very nice to look at, I think. Like… deep down, I feel sad about the way I look. BUT. I am fucking cool, man! I mean. I have interesting things to say, I’m tolerant of people’s weirdnesses, I am smart as fuck and funny as fuck and I’m a lot of fun. And I’ve got some stories to tell. Sad ones, funny ones, whatever… but I’ve found the beauty in all of my stories, and I am able to convey this beauty to whomever I’m telling the story to. I have a genuine interest in people, I LISTEN to people… not only what people are saying, but I listen for the subtle subtexts as well. And I don’t judge or condescend (usually, I mean I’m trying not to in my old age). I adapt to people, and I’m very good at making folks feel comfortable. And AND, this girl never even heard me sing! She never got a chance to understand the passion I feel about music and art and beauty and love and life and and and all of it. She never even scratched the surface. DUDE, do you see what I’m saying?! I’m a fucking catch. And I just now am realizing that for the very first time in my entire life. I am a beautiful and weird and wonderfully versatile human being with a magnetic personality. I’d even go so far as to say that I am fucking magical at times. And in all my (almost) 29 years, I never saw it before the last couple of days.

These are the things I learned from Sam. This is beautiful. I am pretty fucking sure she will never see this. But if for some crazy reason she does… THANK YOU SO MUCH. Really. I know she didn’t do anything on purpose, and I’m sure I did most of the difficult inner-human work, but this has been a life-changing thing nonetheless. And it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t meet her. And now, as my life goes on, I can think to myself, “I once drunkenly kissed an angel and I can certainly do it again sometime. Just… gotta find a different angel or something.”

And besides this very brief apology and well-wishing… Wait. Let me rephrase. You, my lovely readers, will never hear about this girl again, as soon as I finish this part. This is what I’d say if I tried pretending she’s reading…

“I am a little sorry if I made shit weird by saying too many nice things to/about you. But you knew I was a truth-teller from the very beginning. And I just really do think you are outstanding in a lot of ways that you don’t even get. I mean, it made me really sad to see how insecure you are, especially when you’ve obviously got a lot to offer. Anyway. I hope you have an amazing life. And I hope you bring people into your life that fill you with joy and strength and stamina and love and adventure and just… fucking radness. I wish you the best. I’m slightly sorry. And no hard feelings on my end. And I will never forget you.”

Yes, those are the things I’d say if I thought she was reading any of this.

Anyway, that’s the last any of you will have to read about the most beautiful girl I ever met. Until I meet the next one. Because there always is one. Up until I was 22, it was a girl named… well I don’t wanna say her name because I think it would be bad luck. From 22 until this last weekend, it was Shareem (who I still need to write about in some way) even though her beauty was perpetuated by my undying love for her. Shareem was the “one that got away,” but we’re still friends and I am really glad she is alive and well and I’m probably never going to unlove her.

Although, I’m not sure what to do. I mean, the most beautiful girl I ever met KINDA SORTA got demoted. And it would be weird just to go and give the title back to Shareem. Mmmm, no, maybe that’s okay actually. She deserves it. She’s the best. I wonder if Shareem reads my blog? I should go tell her to. She will agree with everything I wrote here. AND she’ll probably agree with this next RANT that is going to be all about MODEST MOUSE. In a minute.

Real quick, here’s my favorite song of this week. I watched The Adventures of Sebastian Cole the other night, for the first time in a while. And this song came on, and I forgot it was even in this movie. But. I love this song SO SOOOOO much. And it’s relevant. So. Here is a homemade video by some dude, for the song “Whole Wide World” by Wreckless Eric…

OKAY. So. Real quick. Modest fuckin’ Mouse. WHAT HAPPENED to these poor bastards?! I’m listening to The Lonesome Crowded West for the first time IN YEARS right now, and it’s making me very happy and very sad. Why did such a brilliant band go and consciously, purposely become such a shitty band?? Why, Isaac, WHY?! Did you really need all that stupid money? Did you REALLY need to fill stadiums instead of smallish rock clubs? Did you really need legions of screaming 15-year-old girls to worship you, instead of just a bunch of us reasonable subculturalists who actually respected you and admired your art?

Makes me sad as fuck. Anyway. Here are three pieces of video evidence that Modest Mouse used to be amazing… for any of ye that actually forgot.

And… that’s all I have to say about that.


About R. Spacely

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5 Responses to We kiss on the mouth, but still cough down our sleeves…

  1. Heather says:

    Whoa. That’s exactly how I felt about the last one. And I said a lot of nice things, too much, to him and I’m not so sure that he liked that but he stuck around anyway and continuted being a good friend to me. I like that. But… he made me feel good about who I am, like I am finally good enough to just be myself, even if it doesn’t lead to magic and romance, it was something and I’ll take that.

    Good luck to you on your new path of enlightenment. :)

    • Yeah, this girl isn’t sticking around for shit. Which is good. Because I’d have ended up either hating her or completely falling in love. I shouldn’t be doing either of these things right now.

      How the fuck are you, by the way?! I kinda totally spaced out on your email for like… the last month. God damn it, I’m gonna do that soon. Shit. These kinds of things make me hate myself. I’m sorry, miss.

      • Heather says:

        That’s usually the two-way outcome for me, too. Haha. Sometimes it just has to be. Glad someone out there goes through the same things, too. Well, not glad, because it sucks but it’s nice to know that we’re not alone.

        And about the email, don’t worry about it. I’m not holding it against you. :) I’m doing well. Munich is as wonderful as ever, full of too many bright lights and plenty of distraction. And delicious beer.

  2. risha; says:

    I’m glad you’re realising that you’re pretty damn fantastic.

    I told you so.

    It depresses me to listen to Lonesome Crowded West. It makes my brain explode because I cannot understand how they got from there, to wherever the fuck they are now. Which is to say: really fucking amazing to incredibly godawful.

    • On point A: Thanks. Sometimes I need to be kicked in the face dozens of times before I actually start bruising. So. Fuck yeah!

      And point B: I love it. I don’t care that much. I mean, Brock is a dick, and he admits to that. But their old music is just… timeless. I’ve been listening to the first 4 Modest Mouse albums constantly for the last week. I’m in heaven really. I had actually forgotten how much this music affected me. I love it so so so much.

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