And who says I can’t? What if my life is meant only to span 55 or 60 years? There’s no shame in that, so long as I live twice as intensely as most people.
Got in a little trouble at work. Because we all wear name tags. And I used our p-touch printer to make a little sticker that said “Lizard Head,” and then I put the sticker on Tony’s name tag. Tony is a 60-year-old man who needs to hurry up and retire. He is a scaley motherfucker with a drippy eye. And all Tony does is complain like a 6-year-old girl from Malibu, except he does it in a Long Island Greek Yankees-Fan accent. Well, yes, he does that… and he does a lot of standing around with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Anyway, I got yelled at about putting the Lizard Head sticker on Tony’s name tage. And I thought it was really REALLY hilarious. Enough so that I can’t stop laughing when I go to work these last couple days.
Also. Got lost while walking somewhere yesterday, and so I just walked and walked and walked. Probably 8 miles altogether? I loved it. I was cold at times and a little scared at times and then I got a little tired and I loved every second of all of it.
Then. Started crying on the bus today. Listening to Pavement in my headphones loudly, and just started to weep tears of joy. I am immeasurably grateful for the weirdness bestowed upon me lately, and all of these crazy lessons I’ve been learning, and all of the mysterious perspective-changes that have completely rearranged my world.
I’m just standing around laughing and smiling lately, like… most of the time. Which is impossible because, well, I am a pretty gloomy dude. But. Whatever. I just can’t believe it. None of it.
Right now, due to very recent and very drastic changes, I have no idea who I am. But I have never loved myself more than I love myself right now. I feel safe. And I feel powerful. Momentum at my heels. I mean, I’ve recently lost like 400 lbs of guilt… no idea where it all went or why it all went, but it’s just NOT HERE anymore.
Am I miraculously cured? Fuck no. But, god damn, this is better than it’s ever been.
And here’s a video for you to watch quickly, before I carry on some more. It’s one of my favorite songs! You can relax your brains for 3 and a half minutes. Which is probably a good, healthy idea for everyone, yes?
There’s this quote by Ralph Emerson, when he supposedly said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Well, obviously it has been a lifelong struggle for me to “be myself” in this world, the one that really has constantly tried to make me something else. People have given me shit my whole life for being strange and irresponsible and reckless and spacey and stubborn and incorrigible. But I’m finally getting to a place where it REALLY doesn’t bother me anymore. I mean, by the time I die, I am convinced that there will be at least a handful of people who will applaud my tenacity in always doing things my own way.
Difficult times, beautiful times, I never really listened to anyone else. And I’m still not. But. It’s really starting to pay off. I mean I’m really starting to feel like a man. With some backbone and integrity and strength and knowledge and, maybe most importantly, the confidence I need to make all of these other qualities work for me. I feel amazing. And I am thrilled to be alive right now.
Whatever, fuck you. God, I feel like I’m having an Oprahesque breakthrough and everyone’s just watching like, “Why is this guy such a weird sissy?” My answer of course is “Fuck you. This blog is here to serve ME and MY needs.” I was gonna go to therapy again but those people are never smart enough for me to respect them. No therapist, out of the many I’ve seen, have ever had any fucking insight for me, they never did a god damn thing but make it worse. So I have to save myself. And so that’s why this blog is here. So. You can eat a dick if you don’t like it.
Anyway. Shit is weird lately. Weird enough to be documented for future reference. A job well done.
And, yes, I still do want to have sex with early-80s Bananarama. Matter of fact, they’re all still looking pretty foxy. So. You know. Yeah.